My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
