i just wanna soil my oats bro
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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