The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
