i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
