I cannot find my penis.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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