Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm like, not good at living.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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