i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
