so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Bring me that man meat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
