i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
