Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
