I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
