Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
