Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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