girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
