White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
