I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That accounts for only three of the penises
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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