im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
