I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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