Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
