Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
did i walk over a car last night?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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