On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
