If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
