i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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