I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
