i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
