Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
