Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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