I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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