Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
