My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
