the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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