went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
