I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
