i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
