I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
