When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
