gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
