is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she peed on how many people?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
