I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
