I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
