Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
