Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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