I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
