i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
