she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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