I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
