I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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