The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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