what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
