i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
