1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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